did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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