I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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