I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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