I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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