Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
