I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
