i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
