thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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