Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
