I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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