at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
