I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
