i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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