life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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