I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Success! We fucked roommates!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
