If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My balls are so social today.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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