South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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