cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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