I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
People in love make me want to vomit
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
