So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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