Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
