your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
