so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
