Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
