Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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