Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize