I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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