I need help removing her.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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