girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
