I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
