I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
