hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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