He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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