he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
