I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize