Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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