Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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