shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
