My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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