This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
