another moral hangover. fuck.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
it's great music for shaving your balls
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize