tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
