My underwear smells like fireworks.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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