So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Just pee around me
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
