I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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