God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Why is there bacon in the couch?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize