like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
