My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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