I think I just saw someone hide a body.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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