You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
