just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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