I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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