I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
