I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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