Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
