I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
