i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
