I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
