You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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