I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Randomize
