He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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