I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
