Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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