im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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