Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
