Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Randomize
