well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
