There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
