did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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