she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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