I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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