If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Randomize
